I used to wonder why conflict management programs were so popular. But when I looked around, it was obvious! Conflict is all around us.
In fact, if you take a closer look, you’ll also realise that humans are not the only species having to deal with conflict. Where there’s life there’s conflict! Natural elements, microorganisms, cells, plants, animals, birds all have conflicts. Conflict is in fact part of the basic survival instinct of every element in our Universe! So, we can heave a sigh of relief as we are not the only one’s dealing with conflict. And that there are some tried and tested ways to manage it effectively.
For a majority of us, gone are the cavemen days when we needed our basic fight and flight instinct to help us survive. In fact, there is now a need to manage this very instinct. Its still hardwired in our system and therefore makes us deal with present day conflicts also in a fight or flight way.
Going beyond Fight and Flight
An effective conflict management program is woven around the following 6 pillars:
- Awareness
- Realization
- Intent
- Win-Win
- Listening
- Action
When implemented correctly, these pillars can help build not only a powerful and effective workplace, but also improve relationships on a personal level.
Step 1 – The Awareness
Awareness is the key and the most essential premise to managing conflict.
So, what do we need to be aware about?
- The situation – be aware of when the situation becomes conflictive
- Reactions – look for fight and flight reactions, yours as well as the opposite person’s. Am I getting angry or fearful or is the person?
We have all seen ‘road-rage’, right? It happens because people loose awareness of what they are doing when they get into the conflict mode.
Awareness, on the other hand, actually calms you down. It stops you from reacting and gives you a chance to look at your actions. It also gives you a helicopter view of the situation and eventually helps you to do a course correction.
Step 2 – The Realization
Many of us operate from the thought that what we are thinking or saying about a situation is the only right opinion or best solution. We see the world in black and white.
The reality, on the other hand, is actually far from being just black or white! It thrives in grey; where more the number of individuals, more number of view points and solutions to a situation. And the truth is, that none of them are completely right or wrong. They are just different lenses from which people view their world and these lenses are unique to each individual!
Once you realize this absolute truth, you stop trying to prove yourself right all the time and the opposite person wrong. There blossoms a new view of inclusiveness. And you now come up with many best ways over your ‘best way’.
On the other hand, those that tend to demean themselves and allow others to bulldoze their views start sharing. They keep their fears aside and realise that their view is as important as any other!
Step 3 – The Intent
No conflict can be resolved unless the party in conflict wants to resolve it. If the intent to resolve the conflict is not there, it may temporarily fuse out but will reoccur again.
Very often conflicts get escalated because at the spoken level they look as if both parties want to resolve it. However, at the unspoken or psychological level they are actually lacking the intent. They just want to win, even if it means the other has to lose.
Hence one has to check their own as well as the opposite person’s intent to resolving the conflict. If your find your intent is missing, mend it. And if you realise the other person’s is missing, change your way of dealing with them. You may need to have a dialogue with them on the consequences of continuing the conflict. Or it may be best to let go or step out of it. You may also look at bringing in a third person to resolve it.
Step 4 – Coming to a Win-Win
Most conflicts get ugly because they end in a win-lose, lose-win or even lose-lose. Either of these situations are not satisfying and leave a distaste with the side which has lost.
In fact the moment one side emerges as the sole winner, it probably means the conflict has not ended very well. And may subside for a short while, but may surface again in different forms. The reason being, the one who has lost had to take a losing stand due of multiple reasons like coercion, adjustment, force, politics, compromise, etc. This causes emotional churning and ego bashing which is rather difficult to deal with.
Hence when you are looking at resolving a conflict, always aim for a win-win. Are you and the other party feeling like you won? If not, the conflict has not been resolved. You may then need to look at ways to move this win-lose or lose-win situation to a win-win.
Step 5 – The Listening
Good listening skills are key to conflict management. In fact conflicts escalate because we stop listening to each other.
So, what does listening mean?
Most of us believe that we listen well. In reality, that’s not quite the case! Most of us are selective listeners. We listen to what fits in our world view and reject the rest.
True listening only happens when we get aware of the above fact and are willing to go beyond our programmed lens. When we start focussing on data driven facts, over judgements and assumptions. When we are willing to consider the other as equal and worthy, while accepting their persons opinions and suggestions. And when we are willing to put ourselves into other person’s shoes and understand where they are coming from.
Most conflicts die out very easily when the other person feels heard and listened to. It makes them feel important and worthy.
Step 6 – The Action and Reflection
All conflicts eventually need action to resolve them. A discussion without action really doesn’t hold much value!
Many times conflicts get resolved at a verbal and intent levels, however no outcomes take place out of the concluding discussions and agreements due to lack of action.
Also, post taking action one needs to reflect to do the necessary course correction. Unless reflection happens, course correction cannot happen. Which takes us back to step 1, awareness. Awareness of what’s going well and what needs to be changed.
Finally its in the doing and honouring of the promises given to each that leads to conflicts getting resolved.
