Emotional Intelligence – Our Woman’s Day Gift – Part 2

Hello, my lovely women again! We hope you are doing really well. We are back with part 2 of our International Women’s Day gift to you all. In case you missed out on Part 1, you can read it by clicking on the following link Emotional Intelligence – Our Woman’s Day Gift – Part 1. We request you to read part 1 first, as it may be difficult to connect to part 2 directly. Part 1 tells us Charu’s story, which we will continue in part 2. It also shares what Emotional Intelligence is and its importance.

Now, why is it so important for us especially, being women? Because we are generally more in touch with our emotions. This gives us a better chance at being able to regulate and use them to our advantage.

How come? It has a lot to do with our childhood conditioning. Let me explain…

Being the head of their family, men have always been expected to be strong. And for this reason, they have been told not to show their emotions. Or should I say softer emotions? They do show aggression and anger, which are emotions too!

So much so, they are not even allowed to feel the softer emotions. Remember the saying, “Boys don’t cry!” or “You’re such a girl!” if anyone saw them cry! It’s because of this childhood conditioning of theirs, that they have had to stay away from the world of emotion. And how have they learned to manage these ‘not allowed’ emotions? Through suppression. In fact, many do it so much that they actually become emotionally numb and are unable to even feel them anymore!

Women on the other hand, have been on the nurturing end. They need these softer emotions to take care of the young ones and their family. However, with women now also working, times are changing. And unfortunately, women are also going on the “I have to be strong to manage these multiple roles successfully track. ” Besides, the corporate world feels like there’s no place for emotions in the workplace! And because of this, women are now putting up a strong face and following the men. They are also trying to stay away from the softer emotions.

But let me ask you, is that really strength? Is suppressing and eventually bottling up emotions really the way to go? Or does that pave the way for disaster, the way it happened in Charu’s case?

So, how do I practice Emotional Intelligence?

Getting back to Charu’s story…

Abhay, the HOD of Marketing, advised Charu to take a break to be able to figure out ways to manage herself and her emotions. Charu happily agreed. She decided to go on a vacation for 15 days and learn how to manage her emotions.

Charu identified a therapist, Vidya, who agreed to help her in managing her situation. Vidya started by helping Charu gain knowledge about Emotional Intelligence during the therapy sessions. She shared that Emotional Intelligence was comprised of four parts:

• Self-Awareness – Being aware of your emotions and their recurring patterns.
• Self Management/Regulation – Learning how to regulate these emotions when they arose within the body and mind
• Social Awareness – Getting aware of the emotional patterns of those around us
• Social/Relationship Management – Helping others manage their emotional patterns to manage conflict effectively and create strong relationships

  

Vidya also oriented Charu on the ways in which each stage could be managed, sharing and teaching her time-tested tools. Some of these tools were:

• Self-Awareness – Being aware of my own emotions.

1. Connecting to what she was feeling every 1 hour and trying to identify the emotion. Vidya also shared the Emotional Wheel tool with Charu. This would help Charu in identifying the emotions as Charu realised her emotional vocabulary was not very strong and hence has difficulty in identifying them.
2. Identifying the various emotions Charu was experiencing in difficult situations and during other major events of the day and journaling them.
3. Checking with those around her as to what emotions they felt she experienced regularly. This was to get feedback as our emotions can often elude us.
4. Taking an emotional intelligence assessment to understand where she was currently and which areas she needed to work on.
5. Gaining a better understanding of Emotional Intelligence by reading a book on the same.

• Self Management/Regulation – Learning how to regulate these emotions when they arose

1. Pausing before any conversation that had the potential to turn into conflict.
2. Taking frequent short breaks during the course of the day. Taking a longer vacation with her family.
3. Planning her day, meetings, work, etc. and keeping some buffer time to avoid anxiety due to ad-hoc tasks.
4. Doing quick 5-minute Mindfulness Meditations at regular intervals to help keep her calm and also increase her self-awareness. Vidya told Charu that the key to regulating her emotions was to accept them and this would become easier with the more meditation she did.
5. Practising the Emotional Freedom technique to manage difficult emotions.
6. Pursuing a hobby and ensuring that it was part of her weekly schedule. Doing things that she enjoyed.
7. Identifying her personal and professional dreams and goals. Also ensuring she was regularly taking steps for fulfilling them.
8. Being assertive and learning how to say no, when required. Unplugging from work at the end of the day and during weekends.
9. Focusing on those things that were in her control and trying to influence those that were not.
10. Daily workouts, walking or jogging.
11. Counselling and other forms of therapy which include sharing experiences from the past which were still causing her emotional distress.

• Social Awareness – Getting aware of the emotional patterns of those around us

1. Observing people’s behaviours, actions, facial expressions and body language for identifying what they may be feeling.
2. Journaling their behaviours and the events during which they were displayed.
3. Asking them how they felt in the moment to get a better understanding of their thoughts and emotions.
4. Getting aware of how others react to and deal with conflict.
5. Asking others for feedback on those around, to ensure what she observed was not just a projection of her own emotions.

• Social/Relationship Management – Helping others manage their patterns.

1. Learning how to take a pause when the opposite person is in a heightened state of emotion. Charu observed that this helped calm them down.
2. Making them aware of some of the emotions like sadness, anger or frustration that can be observed in them. This helped them get aware of their emotions and it was easier for them to regulate these difficult emotions.
3. Taking the time to understand the other person’s perspective and why they are saying what they are saying.
4. Creating mutually discussed boundaries. Charu realised that it was important to clearly tell people around what could be delivered and what could be expected from her. This gave the other person realistic expectations and also reduced the pressure on her.
5. Keeping the focus on ourselves and what we need to do for the relationship rather than blaming others or pinpointing on their lack of action.

The Outcome

Charu felt very light when she learnt about the four stages of Emotional Intelligence and ways to manage them. She decided to select the tools she felt will work for her at all 4 levels. Her therapist, Vidya, cautioned her to go slow and only focus on stages 1 and 2, to begin with. She shared with Charu that there was no shortcut to practising Emotional Intelligence. The only way to success was through consistent Self-work.

Charu thanked Vidya and promised to regularly practice all that she had learned. She also told Vidya that she wanted to continue the sessions till she felt strong enough to practice the tools on her own. Charu knew that she had a tendency to be harsh with herself. So, she decided it was best to visit Vidya till she could be kinder to herself. She wanted to reach a level where she could motivate herself even when she was down. A level which now didn’t seem so impossible and one she was willing to work her way towards.

We wish all the Charu’s of the world a very Happy Women’s Day again. We hope you will benefit by what we have shared and will leave no stone unturned in making a difference in your life!